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OTHER PEOPLE'S 
TROUBLES 





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OTHER PEOPLES TROUBLES 



fln Eccentricity in Qne Scene 



FRANK'DUMONT 

AUTHOR OF "THE SERENADE PARTY," "THE CAKE WALK," "THE 
LADY BARBER," ETC. 



OCT 21 1897 

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TWO gi RECEIVED 



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CHICAGO 
THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 



Produced by Cameron's minstrels. 

CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Mr. Suspicious Fidget Frank Dumont 

Jack / spn , fltlk Lew Dockstader. 

Martha j servams j am es Quinn. 

Mrs. Fidget Fred Dart. 

Policeman Goggles Fred Dart. 

Plays fifteen minutes 



Copyright, 1897, by the Dramatic Publishing Company, Chicago. 

Notice. — The professional acting rights of this play are reserved by 
the publishers, from whom written permission must be obtained before 
performance. All persons giving unauthorized productions will be 
prosecuted to the full extent of the law. This notice does not apply to 
amateurs, who may perform the play without permission. 



OTHER PEOPLE'S TROUBLES. 



[Scene : — Chamber, door c. Large family portrait in set 
piece, L. 3 E. Table and chairs, l. c. Screen, R. c. Enter 
Jack and Martha, R. i E., quarreling. Jack carries tray and 
dishes, Martha blindfolded, follows with tea pot.] 

Martha. Take dis rag off my eyes ! I ain't gwine to play 
blind man's bluff any more. You're the worst jealous nigger I 
ever saw. You're chock full of green eyed lobsters. 

Jack. [Removes bandage.] Do you think I'm going to 
spend all my wages treating you to lemonade and root beer, 
and brandy, and then get fooled ? 

Martha. Who's fooling you ? 

Jack. When we were playing blind man's bluff you catched 
me and said ' I got you Jim.' My name ain't Jim. You give 
yourself away that time. 

Martha. You're just like the boss. Missus can't peek out 
of the window but what he getsjealous. Iihe was my husband, 
I'd scald him wid de tea pot. [Flourishes tea pot and scalds 
Jack.] 

Jack. [Hopping.] Oh ! look out there ? You've filled my 
shoe full othot tea. Look out ! Even a banana skin will turn 
when you tread upon it ! 

Martha. You want to step on banana skins, do you ? I'll 
start the circus for you. [Bus. She chases after him. He 
throws loaf of bread at her. They rush towards door C. just 
as Fidget is entering. Martha scalds him and Jack dashes 
tray and dishes over him, smashing a hat and hat-box that 
Fidget bears in his arms. Martha and Jack rush off 
R. and L. Fidget arises and exa7nines the hat. Comes 
down c] 

Fid. Confound them. There's my seven dollar hat ruined ! 
Every dish in the house is cracked or broken. I'd discharge 

5 



6 OTHER PEOPLE'S TROUBLES. 

Jack but he is useful to me in playing the spy. Ke reports 
everything to me. My wife hires Martha in the same capacity. 
If I discharge Jack I am without an ally. I must grin and bear 
it altho* it is driving me crazy I [Calls.] Jack! Jack! 
[Jack peeps in l. i e.] 

Jack. Hello, Fidget ! When did you get in ? 

Fidget. Come here this instant ! 

Jack. No, sir ! You want to hit me. Ah, you rascal, I 
know you. 

Fid. I won't harm you. Come here. 

Jack. You want to kick me. 

Fid. No, I've got on my felt slippers. 

Jack. I've/ell 'em before. How's your hat ? 

Fid. Now come here to me. I want you. 

Jack. What do you want ? [Comes towards him and 
retires, bus ad lib.] 

Fid. Where have you been ? 

Jack. I got them springs out of the old sofa and put them 
under the old hen and she's hatching them. We'll soon have 
some spring chickens. It will save me the trouble of stealing 
some from the neighbors. 

Fid. You're a blockhead ! Now listen to me. Last night 
instead of going to the lodge I watched this house and I saw a 
policeman enter it. 

Jack. [Going.] I'm going out in the garden. 

Fid. Come here, sir. That policeman is still secreted in 
this house. 

Jack. That's the reason I'm going out. Maybe he wants to 
see me and I'd better not be visible. 

Fid. He won't trouble you, Jack! That policeman is in 
love with my wife. 

Jack. Certainly he is. Now you've struck it. 

Fid. You and I will search the house. 

Jack. Yes. You go and search for him. 

Fid. Jack ! something's wrong in this house. 

Jack. Certainly, everything's wrong — let's move and hire 
another house. 

Fid. Jack ! Never marry a cunning and deceitful woman. 

Jack. No. I'll marry an orphan, uncle. 

Fid. Where's Martha ? [Martha peeps in R. i E.] 

Jack. There she is ! 

Fid. Where's your mistress ? 

Martha.. Up in her room. She expects the carpet man to 
come in and measure this room for a new carpet. 



OTHER PEOPLE S TROUBLES. f 

Fid. Prepare a cup of coffee for me, and place this hat in 
my room. 

Martha. Yes, sir. [Takes hat-box. Jack motions her out. 
She throws hat-box at Jack and Jack seising books throws 
them at her, and missing her, they crash through the portrait,, 
Martha ex. Jack throws hat-box after her.] 

Fid. Now you rascal. Do you see the result of this sky- 
larking ? Now listen a moment. We are on the eve of a great 
discovery. Here's five dollars for you. 

Jack. Shall I smash another picture ? 

Fid. No ! Jack, my wife and Martha are against us. The 
new carpet man will soon be here. You will represent the in- 
dividual, and you can keep your eyes and ears open and hear 
all that transpires. Follow me, we'll solve this mystery. [Ex. 
R. i E.'J 

Jack. [Picks up hat-box. ~\ I'll keep the pot a boiling and 
keep 'em all fighting. It's to my interest. [Martha sneaks in 
and slaps a piece of dough over Jack's face and with her 
broom fights him ofl'L. I E. Enter Mrs. Fidget C] 

Mrs. F. Where did Mr. Fidget go to ? 

Martha. Just gone up to his room ! 

Mrs. F. My police trick is a success ! Did he say any- 
thing ? 

Martha. W r e didn't give him a chance. Me and Jack 
nearly killed him. and then we lit out. 

Mrs. F. Has the carpet man arrived ! [Knock.] 

Martha. I guess dat's him. [Martha admits Jack who is 
disguised. He proceeds to measure floor, chairs, wall, etc. 
Aside.] Missus, dat's Jack, and he's spying on us. 

Mrs. F. [Aside.] All right. Til give him a chance to carry 
news. [Aloud.] Martha, did Mr. Goggles the policeman 
leave any word tor me ? 

Martha. Yes, he saw your husband coming and he gave 
me this letter. 

Mrs. F. [Opens letter and reads.] "My own sweet love : 
When your beast of a husband leaves the house I will return. 
"Yours ever and ever, "Goggles." [Jack attempts to see 
letter during its reading and when discovered he goes about 
measuring articles.] 

Jack. Goggles — old goggle eyed Goggles. 

Mrs. F. Excuse me, Mister Carpet Man. I'll return and 
give you further instructions in a few moments. [Ex. R. i E.J 

Martha. Now I'll give him one. [Opens a letter.] "My 
lily-white alabaster angel. To-morrow night be at de ice 



8 OTHER PEOPLE S TROUBLES. 

cream sociable. *' Yours always, "Barber Jim." Excuse me 
Mister Carpet Man, I'll return again. Ta ! Ta ! [Ex. 
R. I E.] 

Jack. Barber Jim and Goggles run this house ! [Enter 
Fidget c] 

Fid. Well, what have you discovered. 

Jack. You're shook. You're N. G. Goggles is de man. 
You're a beast. 

Fid. What's that ? 

Jack. That's what Goggles calls you. 

Fid. [Gives money. ,] Now, tell me all about it. 

Jack. I heard missus reading a letter and you're shook ! 

Fid. Then she is false to me. Good-bye, Jack. I'm going ! 

Jack. Going where ? 

Fid. Going to leave this world— -to die ? 

Jack. Ha! Ha! Ha! You're foolish, die because she's 
gone back on you. Pshaw ! I thought you had better sense. 
I'm ashamed of you. Don't weaken. I'd like to see the woman 
I'd die for. Brace up, never say die. 

Fid. I will commit suicide ! 

Jack. Get out ! You're crazy ! Let her go if she wants to. 
You can get another wife. Don't talk like that ! Kill yourself 
for a woman ! You're crazy ! Don't kill yourself and leave me 
alone. [Cries.] 

Fid. Jack, you've been faithful to me. A good, truthful, 
honest servant. 

Jack. [Crying loud.] Course I have. Honest as the day 
am long. 

Fid. The moment I am dead, this house, my jewelry, watch, 
chain, ring, these clothes and all my money are yours. 

Jack. [Stops crying.] If a woman treated me the way 
you've been treated I'd kill myself right on the spot, I wouldn't 
live a minute ! Are you going to stand it ? Called you a beast, 
eh ? I thought you had pluck ! Is that chain real gold ? 

Fid. Oh, Jack, if I only had a rope to hang myself with. 
[Jack rushes off and returns with rope, puts it around Fid- 
get's throat.] 

Jack. There you are ! It won't slip ! [Jerks rope, stran- 
gles Fidget.] 

Fid. [Recovering.] Jack ! This is terrible. 

Jack. Course it is, I'd hung myself ten years ago if I'd been 
you. Look out you don't muss that coat when I pull the rope. 
All the property, money, jewelry, and them clothes is mine when 
you're dead. Did I understand you right ? 



OTHER PEOPLE S TROUBLES. 9 

Fid. Yes. The instant that life leaves this poor form, 
everything is yours. [Jack almost pulls Fidget off his feet in 
leading hint out L. i e. to find a spot to hang him. Martha 
enters R. i E.] 

Martha. {Laughs. ,] Jack's going to hang him Ah ! 

here they come back. [She hides tinder table. Jack and 
Fidget return L. i E.] 

Jack. You're too particular. 

Fid. I've changed my mind. I won't hang myself! 

Jack. What ! After the way you were abused ? I'm going 
to kill myself as soon as you do. I don't wan't to live if you 
die. [ Weeps.'] Do you think that ring will fit me ? Don't get 
any blood on those pants. 

Fid. Oh ! If I had a pistol [Jack rushes off and re- 
turns with two pistols— forces them into Fidget's hands.] 

Jack. There they are. Now shoot them into your brains ! 
Quick ! 

Fid. Are you sure they're loaded ? 

Jack. Full of slugs, hurry up — what's the use of fooling ? 
I'd shoot myself too if I had a pistol, but you need them both ! 
You've got twice as much brains as I have. 

Fid. One is enough for me. Here, take this one. [Give 
pistol to Jack.] We'll die together. 

Jack. No — no. You fire first and then when you've dead 
you tell me and I'll shoot myself. You need two pistols 'cos 
you've got a lot of brains — see ? 

Fid. Oh, if I could but drown myself. [Jack rushes out 
and obtains pail of water.] 

Jack. Here you are. Come I'll hold your head under water 
until you're dead. Does that watch keep good time ? Come 
on ! 

Fid. No, I'm afraid of water ! 

Jack. Here's some bed bug poison. [Shows bottle.] It 
will kill rats and it ought to kill you too. Come ! Drink some ! 
[Bus.] 

Fid. Oh ! If I could only chop my head off. [Jack obtains 
an axe, grabs Fidget and is about to behead him.]. 

Jack. No more fooling. Lay down and off goes your head. 
Don't get any blood on them clothes for I want to wear 'em to- 
morrow to a pic-nic. 

Fid. I know what I'll do. I'll go down to the lamp post 
and fire a pistol. You'll come back and tell my wife I've shot 
myself. If she doesn't express sorrow I'll give you my word 
and honor that I'll let you kill me. 



10 OTHER PEOPLE'S TROUBLES. 

Jack. All the money, jewelry and stuff is mine when you're 
dead ? 

Fid. Yes, everything ! [Ex. L. i E.] 

Jack. I'll get all them valuables if I have to poison him. 
[Ex. l. i e. Mrs. Fidget enters R. i e. attired as a police- 
man. Martha comes from under table.'] 

Martha. I heard the whole plot. Master will fire a pistol 
and Jack comes in to say he is shot. [Pistol shot L. i e. 
Jack heard crying and enters.] 

Jack. Oh ! Master is shot and he's dead. His brains is 
laying out in the street by the barrelfull. Oh ! Oh ! The 
street is full of brains. 

Martha. Is he dead ? 

Jack. Of course he is. All his brains is shot out. How 
could he live ? 

Mrs. F. Where is he ? / 

Jack. Down by the lamp-post waiting to hear what missus 
thinks about it. 

Martha. Tell him we don't care a straw if he's dead or liv- 
ing, for Mr. Goggles is here ! 

Jack. Ah ! I'll call master, he'll fix him. I hope Goggles 
will kill him. [Calls Fidget. Enter Fidget with pistols.'] 

Fid. [To Mrs. F.] Take this. Take this and defend your- 
self. [Puts a pistol into Mrs. F.'s hands.] I'll murder every- 
body in the house. 

Jack. I'll be blamed if you do. [Dodges behind screen.] 

Martha. Me too ! [She goes behind screen. Mrs. F. 
places herself before screen while Fidget threatens with 
pistol. Jack and Martha move screen from side to side of 
stage, Mrs. F. follows to keep out of range of pistols. Fidget 
furious, fires. Mrs. F. screams and he discovers her. She 
falls in his arms. He, bathes her face with water. Jack and 
Martha/tf// over with screen at pistol shot. Neighbors rush 
in with tub. Jack is placed in tub while Martha is pushed 
into a bushel basket and a small garden pump worked into 
her face. Curtain descending leaves Jack and tub outside. 
He walks off and ex, into curtain side. 



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